You are the only one who can make the changes you need to make in order to live your life well
I'd like to make some comments on the following video by Mel Robbins
“You’re the only one who can change your life, job, body or relationships.”
Mel Robbins was recommended to me by my trainer at the gym, so I thought I would investigate and make some notes. This was one of the videos I watched. It is about self-motivation.
Robbins asks whether you have ever been frustrated with yourself for not doing the things you have wanted to do, for not making the changes you need to make, because you just couldn't get yourself together enough to pull yourself out of the daily grind. No matter how much you have thought about making changes or pursuing goals, you just don't seem able to make traction, whether as a result of
self-doubt, fear, or the routine and inescapable demands of your day-to-day life. Although you feel like you are constantly exerting effort and feel tired out, nothing is gaining traction, nothing is getting done, and you are not getting anywhere that you know you need to be. You are stuck in the same place.
Mel speaks of feeling frustrated all the time on account of not seeing any forward progress being made despite constantly thinking about the things she wants to do. The key words there are 'constantly thinking.' The brain is high-maintenance, accounting for some 20% of the oxygen, and hence calories, consumed by the body, despite being just 2% or so of the body weight. If you are constantly thinking but not acting you are tiring yourself whilst getting nowhere. Despite knowing that you need to make a change, you are so caught up within your thoughts that your focus is all wrong. You may be focused on the right things, but you are not acting to anything like the extent that you ought to be. Knowing that there is something that you want or something you need to do is not the same thing as acting to obtain that thing or do that thing. Paradoxically, the act of thinking may well be more tiring than acting, given the high-energy usage of brain functioning.
However grand your ambitions may be, however detailed your plans, there always seems to be something stopping you from taking effective action. Every year you are possessed by the feeling that this year is going to be your year. One of my favourite Queen songs is called “Breakthru.” I thought it told the story of my life when it came out in 1989, and it says something significant that I still have it as my anthem.
"When the dawn light wakes up
A new life is born
Somehow I have to make
This final breakthrough, now!"
I was singing these words in 1989 (and before for that matter) and I'm still singing them now. I have a million reasons and more as to why I am still singing about making a breakthrough rather than actually breaking through, but so does everyone else. The problem is that you just don't seem able to motivate yourself into acting so as to move forward.
“If I could only reach you
That would really be a breakthrough.”
The key words here are 'if I could only.' A life of one too many missed opportunities, false dawns, and wasted sunsets is charactered by the sad refrain of 'if only.'
Mel Robbins speaks of having dreamed of launching a podcast for years. 'I would just spin and spin.' She asks us to consider whether there is something that you would like to do, some project or goal, some change you want to make that you think about all the time but never get round to actually pursuing by way of effective practical action. Most everyone finds it difficult to push through the fatigue and inertia that keeps them stuck at base. You just can never quite push through all that weighs you down, with the result that you never get started. There are always a thousand reasons why you put of the things you intend to do for another day. There is always the assumption that there will be a day when you will have a free hand.
That day never comes.
Mel Robbins speaks of getting a degree, a job, making a move, launching a business. She acknowledges that change is painful, but says that so too is the failure to make changes in pursuit of the things you want: you will never stop wanting those things, and if you don't act to obtain them they are going to linger for the rest of your life. You will be frustrated, weighed down with grief for the things you have missed, frustrated, and exhausted. You are going to have to make changes to make the things you want to happen happen, to get the things you want, lead the life you want to lead.
She's right … but …
I have spent a lifetime being proactive in acting on my ambitions. I have thought a lot (and probably overthought a lot) but have acted. Action isn't always the solution and may well involve you in an even bigger problem. I come from a working class background, yet worked hard to succeed in academia. It was a big thing to go to university back then, not least on account of having struggled for so long at school. I hit grade “A” distinction at A level, earned my first degree in history, went on to study economics at masters and philosophy, politics, and ethics at PhD. Once I had started to act, and succeed, I kept on keeping on.
I was caught up on an endless treadmill. Mel Robbins says that she did precisely the same, working so hard so relentlessly on account of her loneliness: 'I am so lonely in my personal life because of … always working. I can see very clearly that I have tried to solve loneliness in my personal life by working all the time. That's not the solution for loneliness.' The more I succeeded in obtaining qualification after qualification, the more isolated and lonely I became. I removed myself from the company of others. I gained the validation and recognition I sought, but lost touch with people. The more remote I became, the more relentless I was when it came to taking action and working hard.
I can tell the same story with respect to pursuing jobs, starting a business (I set up an e-tutoring business), moving to another part of the country. I've acted, I've made changes. I'm still seeking the breakthrough.
That said, I have achieved much along the way. My writings have gained a degree of recognition and praise. I have done good work. It hasn't made me any money, but that's my fault. I didn't take care of business. And that brings us back to the message.
There are areas in your life where you can feel a certain friction and tension; you want to focus your time and energy in certain areas but feel there is resistance, with so much happening that it robs you of the ability to push forward towards the life you want. 'It's not going to happen overnight,' Robbins says. She's right. After a quarter of a century of writing, I'm still waiting for the breakthrough to happen.
She now delivers what she considers to be the key quote:
“No one is coming.”
That's it.
'No one is going to come into your life and do the work for you.
No one is going to come into your life and remove your problems.
No one is going to come into your life and make your dreams come true.'
No one is coming.
I can't say I am either shocked or disappointed by this revelation, for the reason I've never expected anyone to come and do things for me. They never have in the past. On the contrary, my experience of people is that they normally get in the way of my plans, interests, and activities. In the past, on the occasions I sought help, people either offered all that they could, which was little, and even then only so long as it accorded with their own interests in some way, or simply ignored me. I learned early on the truth of the proverb that the most beautiful woman in the world can only give what she has.
So the idea that no one is going to come into your life and do the work for you is hardly news to me. In truth, the more I took control of my learning from teachers and tutors, the better I got. I learned to go it alone. My entry into research has the air of inevitability about it. I was very self-driven and took ownership of my studies. I tried to do the same with respect to running my own business. I've succeeded in being proactive. What I didn't succeed in doing is making money along the way.
So whilst I underscore the positive message which Mel Robbins sends out, I have to say that I have pretty much done all of this. I have achieved much but have not resolved my basic problems.
But you can take the message and act on it. It's a good message for what it is, and it will probably yield good results for most people. When it comes to the changes that you want to make, the things you long for, the music you want to make, the blog you want to create, the degree you want to earn, the life you want to build (or rebuild), the move you want to make, the job you want to get – only you can do what needs to be done. The good news is that it's never too late. You have time to heal and to take control. You are just one decision away from making a new life and a better life for yourself. But it is you and you alone who has to make that decision; no one can make it for you.
'You have to make the decision that you are done feeling beaten, you are done feeling lost and stuck and isolated.' That you are done with all that you have been suffering and enduring. But it is you who have to decide that and act. It is only when you realize that no one is coming to your rescue that you also realize that if you want anything done, then it is you who has to do the doing – no one else. You can wallow at the bottom of the pit of self-pity for the rest of your life, getting frustrated and angry. If there is one thing worse than sadness at all the chances at life that you have missed, then it is the bitterness that comes with the realisation that you could have acted to ensure better outcomes. If you want to climb out of that pit of despair, then you have to build the ladder that takes you out, and climb it yourself.
This is where Mel Robbins seems to contradict herself, unless I have missed something. Maybe she phrases it clumsily. She says that the interesting thing is that once you realize that no-one is coming to help you and you decide to take action, people show up: 'everybody shows up when you ask for help.'
I can't say I've ever had that experience. Whenever I have sought help, the call has either met with no response or various bodies have offered the kind of help that isn't quite appropriate but is all that
they have to offer. If the most beautiful woman in the world can give only what she has, then likewise the ugliest organisation or institution in the world, which tends to be much less.
But I continue in hope.
I very much like what Mel Robbins says next:
'Do not try to change on your own.
Yes it's your responsibility, yes you need to do the work, but don't
do it on your own.
Do not do that.'
Hallelujah and praise be! Thank Heavens for small mercies! I was getting worried. The message 'no one is coming' very easily translated into the bleak awareness that 'you are on your own.'
Having been on my own more times than is good for the soul, and having failed to make it on my own, I don't need to be told 'you are on your own.'
The bravest thing and smartest thing you can do is to reach out for help. The biggest mistake you can make is to try to do it on your own.
All you need to know to start to change your life is to know that you don't want to be where you are. You may not know where you want to be, but it is enough to know that you don't want to be where you are. That's the starting point. That awareness means that you have already started the process of change, taken the first step forwards, climbed the first rung of the ladder.
The next step is to work out what the people who have what you want are doing right, and set about doing it yourself.
The next is to seek help.
Mel describes how, for 45 years, she tried to do everything herself, without the help of people. She stopped doing that and found success. 'I am asking for help, I'm surrounding myself with people who bring me energy and bring the accountability and bring the structure.'
My heart sinks reading this, because I, too, have sought help, I, too, have sought people who can ease the path forwards. I find that people who heed the call are few and far between, and only offer such help as they can give, on their own terms. It is entirely possible that my dreams and desire are so outlandish that only I can realize them, if they are at all realisable.
'So “no one is coming” is a wake-up call to you.
No one is going to come and do the work for you.
No is going to heal you and do the things that you need to do yourself.
Once you have made the decision that you are done with where you are and the kind of life you have, you are going to have to turn up and do the work. No one else will do it for you. You have to shake off the negativity that past experiences have brought to you, all the sadness and even the bitterness of inertia and isolation: it is time for you to control of your life and steer it in the direction you want it go. Think of it as sailing your own ship.
Reacquaint yourself with your core being, that essential personality buried behind an often negative experience, cut through to the person you always wanted to be, and still can be. Dream big, work hard, stay grounded. Find the enthusiasm that runs throughout you, the insugency of life, the inner motive force, generate the energy, use your fire power and launch yourself forward into the world.
Mel ends by defining her programme in terms of habits and their acquisition. She talks about teaching 'the science of habits' and the need to practise good habits.
As an old Aristotelian, such language does my heart good. My hope is that people looking to change their lives may come, through such motivational speakers and self-help and happiness gurus, to immerse themselves more deeply in the eudaimonics of an ancient philosophical tradition. That's precisely what my political and philosophical work has been about in all these decades of acting to fulfil the dream.
In conclusion, I like what Mel Robbins says and how she says it. As a philosopher and writer, I can refer to habits, virtues as qualities for successful living, practices, character-construction, and modes of conduct. These are all essential themes in my writings. The likes of Mel Robbins are doing something different, for a different audience and for a different purpose. She goes straight and direct and seeks to spark people out of their lethargy and into the life they yearn for. I think her message is a short, sharp, shock, getting to the point to incite action. It's not an approach which will resolve any deep philosophical issues and it isn't meant to. It's about creating a spark that gets people moving. It encourages people to be proactive, to have confidence in themselves, to believe in themselves, to make the changes they need to make. It gives people both what they want to hear and what they need to hear. Many will respond positively to the message, and in enough numbers that we are entitled to say that the message 'works.' I have given reasons why it won't always work and won't work for many people. I've 'acted,' I've 'lived the dream,' I've taken things into my own hands and ventured forth into a brave new life. I've achieved much, but exhausted myself in the process. And the things I did haven't quite worked out as I had anticipated. I still have dreams and ambitions. Watching a couple of Mel Robbins' videos has encouraged me to push on with my plans to form my own publishing company, called “Writing Voice Books.” This venture will gather up the best of my various books and issue them within a broad philosophical theme of “Being and Place” and an autobiographical theme of my autistic writing voice. The work I have done over the years is good and stands on its own merits. But it gains added significance when set in terms of the autistic experience. It's an incredibly exciting idea. I have been in consultation with Business Wales to assess its viability. I think it is doable. It's now time to get it done. Mel Robbins' story of how she moved from being a public speaker to becoming a number one seller on Amazon has encouraged me to get a move on and start acting on my plans for creating my own publishing company. She makes it sound so easy to do that it encourages you to start doing it. And the chances are that it is that first step which is the decisive step - once you have started to move, you will be inclined to keep going. It's all about sparking change and creating momentum. I like the directness. I like the impulse to declutter, throw away the negativity, the toxic thoughts and connections, all that is weighing you down and keeping you stuck in the place where you don't want to be. Events will still come at you. Don't use them as excuses not to take action and get moving. Prioritise, take each issue at a time, eat the elephant piece by piece! If you want the biggest bang for your buck: minimalize your life, simplify, cut back to the essentials, waste neither time nor energy on things that won't relax and refresh and won't get you anywhere other than tired and frustrated.
Many thanks to my personal trainer for introducing me to Mel Robbins; and thanks to both for giving me just the spark I needed!
