SOUND ADVICE
I shall write on a nasty exchange I had in the past. I won't give time, place, and identity.
I refer to comments directed to me.
I had been exchanging comments by way of discussion. (Or so I had thought). It wasn't even an argument, insofar as there was no issue to disagree over. I was adding to the subject matter, thinking that the other person might actually be interested, not least on account of having brought it up in the first place. I was just passing by and, knowing a little about the subject, offered a contribution. There were two or three comments each, not particularly warm, but not abrasive, at least not on my part). Then I was hit with first one nasty comment, which made it clear the other person thought my intervention aggressive (it wasn't, I was discussing, as is quite normal - I know what 'infodumping' is, and temper my interests in exchanges with others, this was not infodumping. In truth, it was all a little boring. I should have guessed early that said person wasn't actually interested, didn't want a discussion, and knew little beyond current generalities and banalities. My mistake had been to think they were interested and to give them the benefit of my knowledge. Seeing the hostility and resentment I said 'OK, I give up' and deleted my comments. I was then met with an even nastier comment, which made the hostility explicit. I let the person know a little of my feelings at this point - I don't suffer abuse and I advise autistic people never to allow themselves to be on the receiving end of the abuse of others. I don't advise returning abuse with both barrels after losing your temper. It is always better to stay cool, analyse events, ascertain facts, be discerning in judgement. At the same time, it is unhealthy to bottle up a righteous anger, internalizing all the negativity and allowing it to eat away at you. It is sometimes right to express yourself forcefully, not least when reason has palpably failed. It might not persuade others, but it might, in time make them think - and it sets a boundary that they won't dare cross again.
Whilst the particular phrases used were abusive in themselves, it was what they revealed about the attitude behind them that was much worse, particularly when directed against an autistic person.
I could explain why, paying attention to such things as infodumping and special interests, but shan't. I have done so elsewhere. Basically, autistic people tend to be reserved and keep themselves to themselves. The hostile or contemptuous reactions of others leads autistic people to be wary in encounter with others. Struggles with communication – and miscommunication – and feelings of being perceived odd also causes them to limit interaction with others. It takes an awful lot of courage for autistic people to reach out to others in seek of engagement, and faith and trust. If an autistic person speaks to you then he or she is paying you the compliment of thinking you a person worthy of their faith and trust. They will share their interests in the belief that the recipients are genuinely fond of them. They don't trust everyone. People who don't know that need to know. Autistic people suffer daily on account of the ignorance of others; autistic people make Herculean efforts to engage socially, overcoming all manner of obstacles: it isn't asking too much for neurotypical people to educate and inform themselves. The various autistic societies provide extensive resources. I have provided information and resources myself, for those in contact with me on social media to read.
But there's the problem – far too many people don't read. Far too many people resent and reject education and learning. They evidently think themselves informed enough; they know what they know and it seems right to them. They screen out contrary information. Learning is about more than knowledge and information: it is about a knowledge and information that leads to a change in behaviour. We are dealing not merely with ignorance, we are dealing with indifference, a selfish oafishness in which some assert their right to do as they please, making no allowance for others. They don't read, and they certainly don't like being informed by people, because they have zero intention
of changing their thoughts and behaviours.
Such people throw the words of autistic people back in their face; in making it clear that they think the words of autistic people are worthless, they make it clear that autistic people themselves are worthless. For the autistic person on the receiving end of such callous abuse, the effect is deeply traumatic: for the reason that it is a betrayal of trust and loyalty. The autistic person opens up to a person thinking he or she values them as a person, only to find their words rejected: quite naturally, they perceive this as a rejection on the part of persons they thought were friendly and sympathetic. Thinking they have contact with people, they receive yet another cruel blow, to go with all the others they have received from 'society' over the years. They withdraw and isolate.
I know the feeling, I know the experience. Life for autistic people can be a succession of cruel blows delivered by ignorant/indifferent others. (Take your pick as to how you would describe such people). It's often not what is said that autistic people are sensitive to – as bad as this can be – but the way it is said. The words betray an attitude of hostility which suggests zero empathy, much less understanding; the words indicate zero interest in understanding.
The comments were particularly abusive of me as an autistic person who approaches the world with my “writing voice.” I expect that the ignorant/indifferent person delivering these comments are unaware of how deeply offensive to autistic people the attitude and phrases used are, but that's the problem with problem who believe what they want to believe, don't read, and refuse to inform themselves. If such people refuse pointedly to be educated by those who actually know something, they also refuse to educate themselves. I don't allow people in contact with me to use ignorance as an excuse, for the reason I openly write on autism and for the reason I have a pinned post on autism on my social media pages. This post consists of fifty plus memes, offering short descriptions, definitions, explanations, and resources. I also explain the meaning of the “writing voice” I continually refer to. Those pinned posts, those personal revelations, and this site are for the benefit of people who wish to have my uniquely talented, learned, and amusing self in their lives. And I'm not exaggerating with respect to the latter. I am a great advocate of autistic people shining a light on their talents, pulling public consciousness away from the impairment model which has people focus on deficiencies and disabilities. It is somewhat galling to report that the ignorant/indifferent persons who are a blight on autistic people continually refer to autism as if it is something to be ashamed of. They think they are being sympathetic when they say things like 'we value you for who you are.' They are effectively saying that the autism doesn't matter, we value you regardless of the autism. By that, they imply autism is a terrible affliction. 'We like you, your autism doesn't matter. They have no idea how condescending, indeed how insulting, they are being when they say such things: you may be backward and stupid, but we like you anyway. I could almost prefer the open insults of outright abusers, because at least it is free from the cloying, passive feigning of sympathy that covers what remains flagrant abuse. Autism is not a terrible affliction! You are to be valued as an autistic person, not as a person, in spite of the autism.
Open your mouth and use your brain cells and you find out how little they do actually value you. They love you when you are stupid and can be infantilised; reveal your true force and they condemn you as 'difficult.' 'They hate you when your clever and they despise a fool,' as John Lennon sang. The difference is that they will make a little space for the fool, so long as you accept being the butt of their jokes and put-downs; show yourself to be clever, and they become hostile. To them, 'see the person, not the label' comes with the implication that autism is a very bad and regrettable thing, an affliction that we shall just ignore. This is as complete a misreading of autism as is possible – see the autistic person! Autism is not some detachable, disposable quality that is best not mentioned, it is an essential part of who the autistic person is.
I have written on all these things and much more. Those who don't read, don't make the effort at understanding, and, most importantly, don't learn as in change their thoughts and behaviours, don't value me and don't deserve to have my unique abilities in their lives. I keep relations tight to those who value my presence. I advise autistic people to do the same.
I am someone who is skilled in words, someone who values words, someone who uses a lot of words. When you have struggled for social connection, words become your world, your means of reaching out to the wider world. Over the years I have had to suffer the open scorn and ridicule of people who denigrate and devalue words, intelligence, and reading. My home town was a cultural wasteland in that regard. String a couple of sentences containing the odd long word together and people look at you as if you have two heads. The put-downs that follow are an attempt to disarm a threat. I had it consistently. You can't change the behaviour of everyone and you would be a fool to try. You learn to place yourself in the company of people who are comfortable with their unique abilities and talents. If you can. I have been lucky enough to have met, worked with, and advised scholars, researchers, academics, and students. I still advise PhD candidates, most recently my local priest. That may well mean nothing to many people. That's fine: it's horses for courses. What I don't suffer is the denigration of 'deeds, not words' people, because I see precisely that such people are hostile and are attempting to disarm and hobble something they perceive to be a threat. They want to reduce people they fear to much less than they are. They have done it with me consistently, from school days and afterwards. When you are outnumbered you have to grin and bear it. Or not. I now advise autistic people not to grin when they are suffer denigration and devaluation. Stand up, speak out, and if people don't change – and many won't – take your talents elsewhere: there are people out there who will value you for who you are, you don't need the company of the ignorant/indifferent. Bear the company of others insofar as it contains redemptive possibilities; people are often remain well-intended even when being oafish.
As for 'deeds, not words,' words are deeds; those who think otherwise should try putting in the amount of reading, researching, thinking, reflecting, and editing that goes into writing even short pieces, let alone books. And they should try doing it hour after hour, year in, year out. Plus, even away from writing, I'd stack my deeds up anytime against the 'doers' who can't see the paradox of having to resort to words in order to denigate them.
To take on example, to live without internal editors and filters involves autistic people climbing mountains daily, having to process a mass of information in a world that is immediately present in all respects. They are not merely doers, they are heroes and heroines. And on top of that they have to cope with the scorn and ridicule directed against them by people who have no idea, and who don't want to know. I could go on, but have nothing to prove.
Autistic people know well that to be allowed to merely exist socially they have to mask, something which damages their self-esteem, causing them all manner of mental and physical health issues. That's the price of 'fitting-in.'
These past couple of years I have been in a position of being able to advise autistic people. I tell them to unmask and express themselves. This can be slightly irritating during the football, because they can tend to talk openly and endlessly rather than play football, which is my 'special interest' at that particular time. But I never stop them talking and never tell them to shut up. Because I know how much they are enjoying opening themselves up to someone they feel is interested in them as persons; it shows that they trust me and I have their confidence. The very worse thing to do here is to throw words back in the face of those who offer them. Autistic people don't show trust generally, having continually been on the receiving end of ridicule and rejection; they tend to be reserved and silent. When they open up to you that means they like and trust you enough to unmask and reveal themselves to you. To have those words scorned, abused, and rejected, to seek to silence and suppress autistic people who are speaking freely and openly, is unconscionable.
That's my key point. That describes perfectly the comments which were directed at me. As an autistic person I detected the rejection – and the contempt, devaluation, and dehumanisation immediately. Andit was a dehumanisation, with one particular phrase implying an inhuman character trait on my part. The remarkable thing is this: it was the abuser who was actually guilty of objectification, referring to me as some kind of autistic stereotype rather than responding to me as a person with eminently reasonable things to say (I told the person I have made a copy of my comments and that they were 'eminently reasonable.' They are. Just a little on the long side, which is the norm for me. But that's the problem with people who don't like words.
I refuse to be silenced and refuse to silence myself. People who seek to control, censor, and compel speech not merely force compliance, they force autistic people back into masking, as the price they have to pay for their presence to be tolerated. It is a demand for a self-immolation, and autistic people should refuse point blank: that's precisely the kind of company they do not need to be keeping. If others don't allow you to be yourself, then they are not worth knowing.
Disarm yourself, punch well below your weight, render yourself harmless, and you may – may – be permitted to join 'the group.' Play the fool, and you will find that people will be happy to treat you as a fool; start to show something of your own unique self, start to reveal something of your power and intelligence, and the same people will try to silence you, or have you silence yourself as the price of remaining one of the in-group. These are the classic dynamics of social groups for autistic people – self-suppression is the price of entry. It's not a price that is remotely worth paying: you will continually be having to be something and someone you are not in order to keep the company who don't like you anyway, and with whom you have little if anything in common.
Autistic people are bullied into compliance in precisely these terms. Isolated, they crave the company of others, and will compromise themselves to obtain and maintain it. Fearing being cast out to the margins and condemned to isolation, they can tend to acquiesce in face of denigration and devaluation.
My advice is this: either way lies isolation: it is better to be alone
with one's own talents and special interests than it is to be in connection with abusive others. Very many autistic people live lives alone, remote from others, either through being sent to the margins or, very often, as a result of isolating themselves from the toxic behaviour of others. However difficult, even cruel, that isolation can be, it is not worse than having to accept a subordinate position within a group that treats you with contempt. You are worth more – know your worth – seek the company of those who will value you.
Autism awareness has an awful long way to go – and awareness is far from being enough. To be aware is merely to acknowledge the existence of something, it doesn't mean to understand that something, still less accept and act on it. Ignorance and indifference remain widespread. Understanding and acceptance are a long way off.
Drawing on a) a lifetime's hard experience and b) extensive in-depth reading and research these past three years, I have been in the position of being able to offer advice to young people on autism, helping them to navigate the treacherous waters leading them to the future. Having been there and done it, I have a good idea of the terrain. I know a lot of the pitfalls, having fallen into them time and again. The lessons I deliver are negative as well as positive. I know the dangers, I know what to avoid, I know who to avoid.
I advise autistic people to know the signs of abuse and to know when they are involved in or being drawn into toxic relationships with people who don't value them; I advise them to nurture their passions and 'special interests,' to investigate how they can expand their talents outwards into the world, through study and/or employment or just through various groups and community activities; I advise them to seek connection, but not at any price, only on such terms that enhances their potentials rather than inhibits them: connection is valuable only when it is with those who will value them for their own unique selves; I advise them never to hide from others nor to conceal their authentic selves out of fear of scorn, ridicule, and rejection – the people who react in these ways are not worth knowing in the first place, and don't have your best interests at heart, so there is no point trying to curry favour with them; rather than nurture the pain that comes with scorn, ridicule, and rejection, I advise young autistic people to nurture their abilities, channel their energies positively, creatively, and productively – I advise them to cut their losses with respect to failed encounters with others and seek the gains that come with developing their talents; I advise them never to pour neurotically over bad experiences past, they are gone and that's not where the problems lie – focus on channeling your positive energies in the present, seeking the right connections.
Rather than attempt to be all things to all people, it is better and healthier to be your own unique self; if you do that, you will attract the people who value you for who you are and for the giftsyou have to offer. People who have you limiting, masking, and suppressing yourself don't value you, they devalue you, and relations with them will be reproduce and reinforce that devaluation.
Most of all, I advise autistic people never to mask. 'Society' pressures autistic people to mask constantly; it also has them mirror and mimic 'normal' and conventional behaviour as the price of fitting-in and belonging. This causes immense mental and physical harm. To mask is to deny and diminish oneself. It condemns autistic people to strain in the effort to be something and someone they are not – it has autistic people engaging in pretence and bad faith, something they know deep down to be wrong. To mask is to become complicit in society's devaluation of your intrinsic worth, something that inevitably eats away at one's personal integrity.
I advise autistic people never to reduce their power and the intensity of their passions in order to appeal to, still less to appease, others. Moderate and temper, yes, since encounter is a dialogue and negotation. But express yourself, and never suppress. If people can't take you as you are, as your own authentic self, then they don't like you anyway; you don't need such people in your life and you certainly don't need to cut yourself down to their meagre size.
One of the lady footballers I met watching women's football these past couple of years has an autistic son. She said that when she learned her young son was autistic she was confused and didn't know what to do, fearful as to what the future had in store. By the stage she spoke to me she had settled down and had a good idea what she was doing. She had consulted others and been given good advice. Most of all, though, she had learned that she had the inner resources to cope. I told her the truth she already knew: have the courage to trust her own instincts and judgements, you are far smarter than you may know.
'Is that what you do?' she asked, intuiting, correctly, that that is precisely what autistic people don't do. Autistic people livea life of anxiety, confusion, and uncertainty, all of which causes self-doubt and feelings of low esteem. She felt inadequate to the challenges, as do all autistic people. Situations can be overwhelming. And people don't help. In fact they have an almost infinite capacity to make a bad situation worse. And make autistic people feel responsible in the process. Autistic people are more than capable of doing themselves down – they certainly don't need others doing likewise.
Her challenge to me was to take the advice that I give to others. It's sound advice.
Never ever cut yourself down to another's size. You are not them, they are not you.
Never allow others to silence you.
Speak up, speak loud, speak proud!
You are uniquely gifted, let the world know it! The ones who are worthy of your message will hear it and will heed it. Let the world enjoy your talents, at least that part of it that are worthy of them. Focus your efforts and energies there – hitting your head against lumpen stupidity locks you into a dispiriting cycle of negativity. Know when you are getting drawn in, and spring the trap, even if it means going it alone. In time, you will attract the people you need in your life.
“The amount of strength it takes to choose to be alone instead of poorly surrounded is extremely underrated. If you were strong enough to choose yourself, I honor you.” (Xavier Dagba).
