BUT ACTUALLY
One of the hardest parts about being autistic lies in constantly having one's motives misunderstood and even inverted. The problems arise from judging the thoughts and actions of autistic people in neurotypical terms. This meme concisely states some of the key areas of misunderstanding. Being at cross-purposes with others is bad enough for autistic people, but insult is often added to injury in the way the misunderstanding is put down to the ill-intentions of autistic people, when nothing could be further from the truth.
I shall take these in turn:
1) We often can't differentiate or control our tone.
Autistic people are often considered to be monotone. I tread warily here. To acknowledge this actually gives neurotypical others a character trait to use as a label or a stereotype to apply generally to autistic people whenever there is miscommunication. Sometimes autistic people are speaking relentlessly and repeatedly on a certain theme or topic; sometimes there is something more going on, taking a deep dive when people simply prefer small talk, going into detail when people are content enough with surface-level statements, talking about a special interest when people are not that interested at all, getting to the truth of the matter, however much it may upset those who feel they are being corrected.
2) We just tend to be direct.
Gimme the truth! demanded John Lennon. Autistic people live life in the immediacy of raw truth and tend to be impatient in face of social niceties and conventions. Gimme the pure unvarnished truth, or the impure truth as it may be. Autistic people will cut to the chase and tell it like it is, something that could easily be discomforting in social situations. I have heard people assert that truth trumps feelings. I have no idea whether the people saying such things are autistic or not. I have heard the view repeated many times in scientific, humanist, and environmentalist circles. As an autistic person I know fine well the urge to 'tell the truth' regardless of feelings, know the upset it can cause, and know that there is such a thing as emotional intelligence that takes relations to others into account. I was once a truth-teller, and it didn't make me popular. In time I also came to learn that much that I thought to be the truth was plain wrong. I am much more circumspect when it comes to truth-telling now. That said, it takes an awful lot of restraint on my part to try to lead people to the truth by their own efforts, rather than simply tell them. In my head I still go direct, in my dealings with others I practice the dialectic, inducing others to draw the truth out of any situation. It may seem easier to go direct, but it is much less effective than having people draw the right conclusions by right reasoning themselves. Go direct with people and they can tend to become defensive, doubling down on their error, and seeing your intervention as aggressive, an attempt to put people down and assert superiority. I just think truth is better than falsehood, and that intelligent, truthful people who welcome correction ... What is really an attempt at enlightenment, getting to the heart of a question, comes to be interpreted as rudeness, and aggression.
3) We may show empathy by telling a story about ourself.
When you spend a lot of time alone, and have lived on your own for any length of time, you tend to talk about yourself a lot. Autistic people have a tendency to relate any question to themselves, using examples drawn from their own lives to illustrate or support any point. This can come to be interpreted as narcissism and self-importance, but it is really an attempt on the part of autistic person to empathise, to personalize a truth they know, avoiding objectification.
4) We prefer deep conversations over small talk.
A lot of socialising is conducted on the surface, taking place in the shallows. People will talk about a wide variety of things, many of which are outside of the experience of autistic people - jobs, families, buying properties, cars and so on. Many autistic people live in isolation on the margins of society. Time alone gives them the opportunity to cultivate their special interests, immersing themselves in various topics. What they lose in breadth they more than gain in depth. In social gatherings they will often be lost at the surface level chatter but, should a topic turn up which they know about, they will change gear. Unfortunately, they will be at cross purposes with the group, taking a deep dive on a favourite subject which for others is no more than the latest vehicle of the surface level chit-chat. Autistic people seeking deeper conversation will appear odd; autistic people daren't tell the small talkers that they are boring and shallow - such a thing would indeed be rude.
5) We ask questions to clarify, not to be argumentative.
'Why are you always asking questions?' an uncle once asked me. If you don't ask, you never find anything out. The autistic tendency to be inquisitive and curious - a sign of high intelligence - thus comes to be taken as evidence of having an argumentative nature by the unreflective. Speaking personally, I don't care for generalities, inanities, and banalities; I don't care for flabby consensuses around empty slogans; I don't care for fuzzy phrases. I seek clarification with respect to content. Such an attitude is not welcomed by people who like the warm woolly words of a vaccuum. I once made reference to the good life in a research meeting with my Director of Studies. He groaned. 'You don't like the good life?' I asked. 'I love it,' he said, 'can't get enough of it. I just don't want to buy a pig in a poke.' I don't buy any such pigs myself, and I don't sell them, either. I seek clarification, something which those who are content with slogans, mottos, and mantras would prefer to avoid. Deep down, I suspect they know how empty their words are, and have some idea that supplying content is nothing less than difficult, requiring effort and intellect on their part. It makes life so much easier to dismiss people who want clarity as 'argumentative.' I make no apologies. Mathematician Jacob Bronowski, author of The Ascent of Man, said that to get pertinent answers you often have to ask impertinent questions. Keep questioning, said Einstein.
6) We may correct you because we value honesty and facts.
It says something about the inauthenticity of the society in which we live - to which too many are well-adjusted - that such a statement is considered too high-minded to be believable. Who really values truth, honesty, reason, facts, and logic when it pays to do otherwise? It's Plato's old exchange with Thrasymachus. Virtue is its own reward, said Plato. 'Are you virtuous, Peter?' the woman who was effectively my boss in the office I worked asked as she left the room. 'I'm as virtuous as a church mouse,' I replied.
I have learned not to correct people directly, but to induce people to look again at questions, in light of certain information I provide. It is more effective to get people to correct themselves. Unfortunately, I have also found that people who resist direct correction resist any encouragement at self-correction. They double down on their original error and accuse you of being rude and argumentative. At which point you simply have to face the unvarnished truth - some people are either too stupid or, more likely, too insecure to accept the invitation into truth and honesty.
The thing that worries me about all six points covered here is not merely the common misunderstandings that occur between autistic and neurotypical people, but how often the motives of autistic people are inverted so as to portray them as malicious and ill-intended - the monotone voice is condemned as lecturing; directness is portrayed as rudeness; the attempt to express empathy is dismissed as narcissism; the preference for deep over small talk is seen as condescending; the asking of questions in search of truth and clarity is taken as being argumentative; the tendency to correct errors in search of truth is taken as evidence of having a disagreeable nature.
Never correct a fool, they will hate you for it; only the wise, the people who value honesty and truth, will stand correction. Although I still think it has more to do with a sense of security and self-esteem than intelligence. Freud identified three principal sources of aggressive behaviour: insecurity, low self-esteem, and envy; it is remarkable how unintelligent these things can make people, and how aggressive.
It never ceases to amaze me how the people who love John Lennon's Imagine seem averse to his demand 'Gimme some truth.' The raw, unadorned truth will always discomfort those living well-adorned lies.
The lesson for autistic people is simple:
"Do not sabotage yourself by unwittingly adopting negative, unproductive attitudes through your associations with others." (Epictetus).
And not least when those others do a fine line in turning your motives and your character on their head.
Note well: 'rarely have hidden agendas.'
Deep passions and intense interests, honesty, detail-oriented, gifted - those who turn all these qualities on their head don't deserve to have autistic people in their lives.
