Being Unapologetically Your True Self
Autistic people process information differently; they communicate and act differently. The oddest thing is that in a culture in which people routinely claim to be 'different' and value 'difference,' autistic people - who really are different - continually find themselves out on a limb, abused, ridiculed, and marginalised. Many autistic people find themselves isolated and alone in consequence. Constantly meeting with misunderstanding, they also choose to withdraw from company and isolate themselves. Those who do make the effort at 'fitting in' socially find that they have to curtail their quirks and peculiarities, dilute their uniqueness, reduce their power and passion, just to be accepted by those who, for all that they extoll 'difference,' recoil in horror when in the presence of the truly different. Autistic people see this, feel this, and so reduce and diminish themselves in order to blend into the background. Social connection on these terms is really not worth having - you have to abandon who you are in order to be accepted for something you are not. Rather than frighten and intimidate people with your difference, you have to disarm and neuter yourself, play the harmless fool. People both love and despise the fool, allowing 'different' people in so long as they accept their lowly and subordinate position in the group.
And then there is the constant apologising. Autistic people, attempting to avoid miscommunication becoming an excommunication, are forever having to apologise for being their true selves, for overstepping the social boundaries imposed and enforced by 'normal' others, for unmasking and revealing themselves in all their uniqueness.
My advice is to be mindful of others, be aware of social conventions and etiquette, listen, engage, and respond, but never mask, never hide, never perform and play a role that isn't you. Be your true authentic self. If some people can't handle it or don't like it, then that's regrettable, but so much better than pretending to be something and someone you are not just to be accepted by people who don't much like you either way. Be your true self, even if it means a much reduced social connection; it is much healthier than trying to be someone you are not. Be yourself, and you will attract the people you need in your life, the people who will value you for whom you truly are. The gallery you play to are not these people.
I'll take these points in turn, premising my remarks with the caution that apology for any of these things is debilitating, energy-sapping, and soul-destroying. It is bad enough that so many things can go wrong for autistic people in their attempts to negotiate a chaotic and confusing world; much worse is the tendency of autistic people to blame themselves for all that goes wrong, and to live a life of constant apology. Apologise when the fault is yours, but never apologize when issues and events are out of your hands.
I shall now comment on each point in turn:
1) The need to know details in advance.
I insist on planning and preparation. I like to know where I'm going and what I'm doing. I like to rehearse. It's a way of familiarising myself with the unfamiliar to come. Autistic people don't like change, so it helps to make changes to come seem as familiar as possible.
I'd go further on this point, too, even if in an unrelated way: I need to know details. I loathe generalities, banalities, and platitudes. People can surround themselves in words that are warm but empty. Such words make them feel good and make them look good, without actually requiring anything of them by way of time, effort, or commitment. I call them the 'Imagine' people, as in 'imagine if all the difficult questions and concrete particularities of life no longer existed, there would be no more conflict.' I find it pathetic and will say so, bluntly, if asked. The bland would be most upset, of course. Tough. Their warm words are a meaningless void, a nothingness. Such people are cowardly and evasive. I like to know details. Politics, like nature, hates a vacuum. The problem with blank nothings is that it is a political blank sheet that the powerful are free to write anything they like on.
I don't apologise for wanting to see details on anything.
2) Being upset if something changes unexpectedly.
Life is change, I'm afraid, so autistic people - who loathe change - have to prepare themselves to manage change better. Others need to know that if changes are necessary, they need to let autistic people know fully in advance. Autistic people experience the world as chaotic and exhausting, and so like routine and repetition to give some kind of order. If due attention is not given to autistic people when change occurs, then be ready for a lot of upset and anger. It can feel like the world is ending. You can feel like the world is disappearing under your feet, sliding in all directions.
You don't need to apologise for being upset, because the removal of the familiar and the upsurge of the chaotic is genuinely upsetting for the autistic person.
I've been on the receiving end of sudden changes of plans. Even having explained that autistic people require clear instruction and clarification, the changes invariably end in chaos and confusion. 'Don't blame yourself,' a colleague told me after a job went badly wrong due to miscommunication. 'I don't,' I bluntly replied - the responsibility was entirely management's, for the reason I gave when I took the job. It was awkward and it was indeed uncomfortable. But the worst part was knowing that, despite my best efforts to explain the need to manage change carefully, I was ignored. That promised further miscommunication in future. That was depressing in itself. I had no intention of making myself feel worse by internalising the issue and making it my fault - it wasn't.
3) Self-regulating by body movements and noises in public.
It's a harmless way of stabilising your presence in an often stressful public setting. If you don't do it you are internalising the stress and making yourself ill.
4) Asking for accommodations and being angry when none are forthcoming.
Absolutely no apologies here! Autistic people spend their lifetimes accommodating others, the least they can expect is a little accommodation in return. I find very little, and it makes me as angry as sin. You ask nicely, you hint, you intimate, you gently persuade, and get nowhere. As soon as push a little harder you are met with accusations of being 'difficult.' You have a right to be angry as a result. The people who are quick to accuse autistic people of being 'difficult' need to know that it is they who are the difficult ones, in being so ignorantly unaccommodating.
5) Putting ourself first and giving ourself time to recover alone.
Always when there is a social disturbance there is a tendency to blame the autistic person. The impairment model of autism identifies autistic people as having deficiencies in social communication, interaction, and imagination - so the presumption is that if things go wrong in social encounter it must be their fault. No! Emphatically, no! Never accept a blame that is not warranted and never blame yourself. Analyse the situation coolly, ascertain the facts, work out where the issues lie, and most of all focus on healing yourself. And protecting yourself from further harm.
6) Taking the literal meaning and misinterpreting information.
Refer to the example I gave above on sudden and unexpected changes. I was working in a hotel. I was switched from my normal job to another job. I was told to 'strip the beds.' I thought that that meant 'strip the beds.' So that's what I did. I was somewhat baffled that I didn't have anything like enough and big enough bags for the job. I found out that - with a coach party about to arrive - I was meant to strip just the linen. It wasn't my job. I had told the manageress that I was literal minded, in being autistic. She had said that she understood. She had the good grace to concede that I had told her. But it was an awful situation that made me feel bad. It wasn't my fault, but I still felt bad. Autistic people are always feeling bad owing to mistakes and miscommunication.
Analyse what has taken place coolly and rationally, and never feel guilty for events and situations where there is no guilt.
7) Taking a long time to process information and make decisions.
In your own time and space.
Such is not the social world, mind. Processing information differently, autistic people can feel pressured and stressed. As a result, they can make decisions quicker than they would like. Take time to make the right decisions, and resist pressure that leads to bad decisions.
8) Talking about interests passionately and always bringing them up.
This is a big one for me. I find small talk and yak-yak infinitely boring. If people find me talking about my interests boring, then I simply say that that is how I find most social talk. Just understand that not everyone will indulge you passions, at least not for the thousandth time. I think you should temper your enthusiams a little here. The big issue comes with those people who are not close, with whom you may discuss your 'special interests' should the occasion arise. Friends and family will - or should - allow you to keep returning to your special interests - these are central to your identity. Others will be less tolerant. Be cautious of repetition with the latter. But be open and enthusiastic about your interests all the same. Those who refuse to allow you to speak freely here are not people you need in your life. They are restrictive and dismissive and in not valuing your interests and enthusiasms make it clear that they do not value you. Have little or nothing to do with them. Certainly never apologize for talking about the things you enjoy and know about.
9) Being our authentic self and unmasking.
If you are forever apologising for being your authentic self then you are still masking - the perennial blight of autistic people. Remove people who would have you restraining yourself from your life - they condemn you to an inauthentic, and a psychically and physically unhealthy, existence.
Remove the mask, remove the maskers.
