BeYourself, Keep it Tight
I'd like to write on particularly nasty exchanges I have had with people, focusing on a particular type of nasty exchange.
I shall use that as a memo to self, advising me to cease accommodating others, in the knowledge born of hard experience that they never make the slightest effort to accommodate you.
I could also issue it as a reminder to others that I don't suffer fools, and there's no point me continuing to pretend otherwise. The truth will always out. Even without doing or saying anything, my eyes, facial expressions, and body language give me away. Without me even saying a word, I have seen people's faces wither and eyes narrow when correctly reading my mind. So there really is no point me continuing to act the part of suffering each and all equally – it wastes precious time and energy and to now avail. People know.
The same with respect to dialogue. Most of the time it goes well. Then there are those exchanges when you can sense resistance and obstruction, even fear, hostility, and contempt. It's always sad when both parties have made some kind of effort at communication. But the barriers are palpable. I feel them immediately, and the effect is like running fast and hard into a brick wall.
Here's how it goes, typically:
You offer a comment on something someone has said, bringing in additional information that actually complements rather than contradicts the original statement. You do so in the interests of conversation. This applies generally. But when an autistic person does this, it indicates a searching out of social connection and communication that requires a great deal of effort on his or her part, and a great deal of faith and trust in the other person. Autistic people are used to making missteps in communication and, unfortunately, are used to being abused, rebuffed, ridiculed, and rejected by other people. So it takes some nerve for an autistic person to approach others and offer views and information. And 'offer' is a good word here, because the sharing of words and knowledge is indeed a gift on the part of the autistic person. (I'll return to this shortly).
Rather than receive the comment in good faith, the recipient perceives it to be a threat and a criticism and argues back, making additional claims to double-down on what has now become a particular reading of the original statement. The commonalities offered in search of agreement at a more rounded level are simply ignored, and division between assertion and counter-assertion opens up.
The claims become increasingly questionable, so you comment further, to clarify rather than contradict, still in search of the increasingly elusive agreement.
Rather than the point being seen and understood, let alone accepted, you are confronted with further questionable statements, causing you to comment further in search of a clarification and agreement that are increasingly out of reach.
The person turns nasty and states, aggressively, they don't need to take the point.
You then realize that you have been engaged in a dialogue of the deaf. The wisest thing to do at this stage is to withdraw, keep your peace, and never return.
Autistic people have encountered this kind of thing so many times that they have learned to choose their encounters wisely, with only trusted people; they have learned to see the signs of non-communication quickly, and treat them as the red flags of danger they are. With people I know fairly, and even quite, well, I feel it ought to be possible to go further. Unfortunately, those signs are the same for all people, familiar or otherwise. Having been on the receiving end of abuse from people too many times over the years, I feel the need to led the abusers know what I think of them, to get the annoyance off my chest in the first instance, but in the hope of delivering a
lesson to them from which they may learn, should they have any conscience and sense. How else will change come? I post endlessly on autism, only to find people in the main don't read. So the best way to deliver a lesson is in encounter.
So I will counter the abuse and let abusers know they are in error and ought to mend their ways. I will also be outspoken at this point, asking people to imagine how often autistic people have been on the receiving end of ignorant – or malicious – abuse from morons. I give them the answer – autistic people receive abuse their entire lives, and people ought to know better. I'm here to tell them the better way to be.
Unfortunately, far too many people do not stand correction. Instead, having been the ones arguing rather than taking an agreeable point, they accuse you of being 'argumentative' and 'difficult,' and become downright abusive.
The interesting thing is the extent to which such people use terms which are known to be terms of abuse with respect to autistic people. They target what are considered to be trademark characteristics of autistic people – notably the tendency to be 'the little professor.' Or a big one.
And, yes, in being so eminently reasonable, and logical, autistic people could be construed as being rude and direct, penetrating the subterfuge of surface banalities in order to get to the error or emptiness within.
So, yes, it is easy to see why the erroneous and the empty could find such engagement to be somewhat disconcerting – hence the defensive mode to begin with.
The lesson is simple: the world is full of people who claim the right to say what they like, soliciting the approval of like-minded others, and having no regard for those of contrary views.
The subjects of conversation for such people are merely vehicles for a social grooming, in which birds of a feather flock together; they are interested not in the subjects themselves than in using them to gather together in a crowd.
As an autistic person, used to being 'different' and on the outside of things, I wrlyly observe the extent to which such inveterately boring, predictable, safe, and conformist people repeatedly make statements (post memes …) declaring boldy how 'different' they are and how they will never fit-in. An autistic person immediatelyidentifies how well-fitted, conformed, and domesticated such people are. In 'doing as they please,' living a hedonistic lifestyle for themselves, not giving a damn for anything or anyone outside of their oversized egos, they are perfect representatives of the dominant culture. Weber defined the modern age as a 'mechanized petrification embellished with a convulsive self-important.'
The simple lesson is this: either:
a) learn to identify the signs and keep away - don't engage with such people;
or
b) engage such people sporadically, to deliver a short, sharp, lesson, on the reasoning that such people need to be checked and that whilst most will not learn and change their behaviours accordingly, some might, in time – the ones with some sense and some conscience. But don't go back to deliver repeated lessons, because the approach is subject to rapidly diminishing returns.
I really don't mind stupid people; in being so focused on the basics, and drifting off into theoretical fancies and fantasies, they get plenty right. It should be pointed out that in being so focused on the basics, lacking in imagination and intelligence, they get plenty wrong, too. The people who are closed to anything beyond what they already know are impenetrable. It's the ones who are dogmatically stupid who are the menace; these are the people who refuse point blank to listen to anything or anyone outside of their narrow world. In terms of the typical encounter above, such people are too stupid to seize on the commonalities you feed them in the attempt to draw them into a nice agreeable conclusion. They start defensive and then turn aggressive. Not only are they incapable of dialogue, they are not seeking dialogue. They engage in monologues for the reason they are
They are not making arguments, merely making noises to gather the tribe around them and join in with a general – and empty – cheering and sloganeering. Here again I smile at the sight of people make such a big thing of styling themselves 'different,' boasting that they will never fit, soliciting general support, seeking safety in numbers, and becoming fearful when the truly different turn up with their awkward truths and divergent ways. I'll state it plain: as neurodivergent, I have frequently, repeatedly, and routinely been on the end of all forms of abuse from such people. A lot of the time they are not even aware that they are being abusive. Tell them, and they get even more abusive! Such people see any exchange beyond the 100% agreement on the banal as antagonistic. They are a blight to a free and democratic society, which depends on an active, informed citizenry capable of discoursive interaction. Such people are incapable of reasoning and interaction. And these are the people who abuse autistic people on account of supposed deficiencies in social communication and interaction! Autistic people are more on the receiving end here.
To add some context here, I have written at length on autism and its challenges. The people I engage with will know this. I won't draw the pessimistic conclusion that people don't read and don't learn. In the main, my exchanges with people are perfectly fine. From this I feel entitled to conclude that many people read, absorb the lessons, and learn. Learning is a change in behaviour. Then there are the people who read nothing, understand nothing, learn nothing, the people who begin by claiming they know all they need to know, and close their ears to contrary views. They are a menace. Interaction with some of them is like constantly having to reassure a six year old child. Just give them a shiny object to play with and play some soothing music and smile and nod. And then they will be friendly. The group is safely gathered together, with no difficult issues to argue over.
Better still, have no further dealings with them. People whose first instinct with you is defence, and who very quickly move to attack should you persist in reasoning, never much liked you anyway. They very clearly don't want to hear anything you have to say. They really couldn't cope with the real you. Insinctively, they know that you are not one of the in-group, but a disconcerting presence, someone who is likely to disturb the peace with some annoying Socratic interrogation. And look at what they did to Socrates!
Exchanges of this kind are an instance of the many ways in which autistic people are abused in social encounter. My comments could typically be considered long, especially in an electronic age in which people are accustomed to tapping out a couple of lines on their keyboards or phones. Two lines of text is the equivalent of Tolstoy's War and Peace to such people. You can feel their fear and trembling when confronted with a lot of text. It must require an immense effort on their part to even read, let alone understand. I should be more understanding and see how hard it is for them to try to respond in kind. If it is such hard work for people, it is better to leave them be.
Autistic people can tend to write a lot and speak a lot. It's called 'infodumping,' describing the way that autistic people share what they know about a subject that excites and interests them with people they like. That sharing of information on the part of autistic people is actually the offering of a gift on their part. Autistic people can be blunt and direct when it comes to truth-telling, in a way that can be construed as rude. Most learn either to tone their views down and speak in the softest of tones, or merely keep quiet. It requires immense effort and energy to temper their words and speech down. Autistic people thus spend most of their time in encounters attempting to accommodate others, expecting, but rarely receiving, a little accommodation in return. As soon as they express a view of their own, departing from the inane social yak-yak, they are labelled 'difficult.' Yes, and 'different' and 'not fitting in.' I take it the point is obvious – the convulsively self-important who make such a big thing about being different and not-fitting-in are actually a mediocre mass of the conformed and confirmed, social yak-yaks who like yakking, and who get most irate when the truly 'different' and divergent turn up and pose awkward, unsettling, questions.
I make no apologies for it. This is a well-known issue - and lamentation - in autistic circles.
I address the world in words. I'm skilled with words. Words are my voice. And words, contrary to the detractors who lazily parrot 'deeds, not words,' words are deeds. Those who think otherwise– those who don't think! - should try doing the reading, the research, the thinking and reflecting, that goes into writing and learned discourse. The 'deeds, not words' trope is used by those who do neither, people who are frightened and intimidated by words and intelligence and make claims to being doers rather than speakers. I have found such people to do precious little that is of value, and even then do it badly. They tend to think that the things they do are unusual, whereas they are done by pretty much everyone else. I write and I think and I use a lot of words. And I've done plenty over the years, a lot more than most self-styled 'doers.' You try living with autism, confronting the world without internal editors and filters, and you see how far you get! I also lived with my chronically ill father for the last fifteen years of his life. Hard graft. I was also an essential key worker during Lockdown, with the locals throwing parties for me when it was safe, by way of thanking me for my efforts. My greatest 'doing,' though, has been with words. And I don't suffer those people who dismiss words of no account. The people who do that are saying that I am of no account. I have said repeatedly that I address the world in my “writing voice.” I've laboured long and hard to ensure that that voice is incredibly well-informed and fine-tuned. I have read thousands and thousands of books. I developed a techique of speed-reading, a page a minute, underlining as I went. I was reading to a purpose, gathering arguments and ideas and information. I have a formidable memory. The reading I did was a deep immersion and investment. I loaded myself with words and ideas. I would expect friends and family at least to accept this 'wordiness' as essential to my being, as definitive of my being, indeed. I would also expect people with whom I come into contact would accept this 'wordiness.' Many do. Most people I come into contact with take note and do their best. But most are indifferent and carry on as normal, paying scant regard. And then there are the occasions when words and ideas are thrown back in my face, with my work – my being – ridiculed, my words and ideas scorned. I've got used to it with 'associates.' But it has happened with family. Such people are beneath contempt. If family and friends are not prepared to respect and value you for who you are, what chance the rest of society, which is where autistic people require big changes? It is soul-destroying, and has autistic people withdrawing and isolating. It is hard enough for autistic people to reach out and seek connection in the first place. The bitter paradox is this: autistic people are highly sensitive to rejection and yet, being somewhat 'different' and quirky, suffer from constant and seemingly endless rebuffs from 'society.' So they withdraw and become isolated, and see their problems with disconnection compounded, miscommunication hardening into an inhuman excommunication.
I posted all of this and more in my pinned post on Autism Awareness and Acceptance on my main page. I removed the pin, for the reason that few people bother reading, and fewer still understand and take the lessons on board. Broad appeals really are a waste of time and energy, not least when even close encounters with people who know you, and ought to know about autism, since you have written endlessly on it, commit the most obvious and basic errors and are oblivious to the extent to which their behaviour is abusive.
It's hard to speculate on numbers here. So I shall be optimistic and say the act that most of my exchanges with people are fine, most people have got or are getting the lessons. It's that stubborn few who are toxic and harmful and who cause all the distress. These are the people who are not prepared to learn the lessons. A general appeal simply doesn't work. People don't have the time, the patience, or the interest to find out about people they are not directly connected with. Which is fine: resources of all kinds are scarce. What is most disappointing, however, is how people – family and friends even – will engage in abusive behaviour within proximal relations. If communication flounders in close encounter, then what chance general society?
I argue for autism acceptance as against autism awareness for the reason that warm words and agreement on banalities and generalities are easy for
people to assent to: they require nothing of people and therefore lead nowhere. All it does is make people look a whole lot more virtuous than they are. Everybody is kind and understanding when it comes to slogans. You find out differently in real-life encounter: many people don't have a clue and a significant proportion of them don't give a damn. And abusers are so very good at garnering support by portraying themselves as the abused. Being so nice and kind and all that. Autistic people, who tend to be isolated – and who tend to isolate themselves on account of having been on the receiving end of such treatment their entire lives – will be outnumbered.
So the conclusion is the one that autistic people have been forced to draw
by harsh experience – keep relations few, close, and tight, limited to those who pay attention; reduce lines of communication, and remove yourself from connections with those who neither listen nor learn.
"This world is full of idiots distributed strategically so you can meet at least one per day," said Paulo Coelho. You can do something to change that distribution, and remove yourself from harm's way of unnecessary encounters. And I would always advice autistic people – and people generally – never to suffer abuse from others in close, proximal relations. It doesn't matter if they are friends or family or carers, people you may be dependent on, people who are part of your world. If they are treating you badly, you let them know; if they persist, you have to move them out of your life, whoever they are.
Rather han attempt to be all things to all people, be your true self, the best you can be, with those few who will not only accept you as you are, but appreciate the many gifts you have to offer.
I know what it is to be abused and ridiculed. I learned at a very young age that the self-image that people like to project to attract fellow yak-yaks possesses little or no substance. A cynical socio-biology holds that there is an evolutionary advantage in appearing to be virtuous, without actually being virtuous. It pays better to look good than to be good. For my part, I've seen how cruel people can be, often unwittingly, but they can do it so consistently and so systematically that they have to be considered to be somewhat knowing.
I no longer suffer abuse. And, having done my level best to educate and inform, I don't suffer those who abuse, whilst – quite typically - claiming (or feigning) innocence. If you are in touch with me, you can't claim that you didn't know - I've told you often enough, you just chose not to listen, and learn, because you had no intention of changing your ways, no matter how abusive.
And I have as little interest in you as you have in me. Dialogue goes two
ways.
People are what they are. But I will not be abused for simply being myself -
that's not stepping out of line. When you find that the accommodation is all on one side, and you are accused of 'lecturing' when attempting dialogue, you realise the other person is merely engaged in the monologue of the yak-yak. I see a favourite subject and all my lights are lit. I speak with enthusiasm, only to have it thrown back in my face. The mistake is to have seen the other person as actually being interested in the subject. They are not. It's the topic of the day, something to make a noise on in order to gather the crowd together. That's all. As an autistic person with a genuine interest in things, I cannot but be drawn in by the noises, optimistically assuming that people might want to exchange interesting thoughts on the subject matter. They are not; they are just making a social noise. They are not authentic. Approach them enthusiastically, and they become cold and frosty, in attempt to shoo you away; persist in your excitement and they become abusive.
They want rid of you. You are better ridding yourself of them. Don't try to carry dead weights. They weigh you down. And if you ever try to lift them, they become abusive.
Being simple rather than cynical, I can tend to credit people with having more intelligence than they actually have. (Emotional intelligence included). And, knowing people, I can optimistically think they might actually be interested in the things I have to say about subjects they hold forth on, especially when they are subjects I know plenty on. My mistake is to take such people as being genuinely concerned in said subjects, and not merely using them to join in with the crowd … with them being so 'different' and all that.
When you learn, for the umpteenth time, that they aren't interested in anything beyond social yak-yak, it is best to leave them wallowing in their shallows. That's what they will choose to do whatever you do.
Stick around, and you will get stuck too.
People who approach me for connection in future will have to be strong enough to take me full force, because I am done with adulterating myself just to accommodate and appease oafs who neither listen nor learn. You think, optimstically, that they will learn something from you: they don't. You find out that they actually fear, loathe, and resent your qualities.
This is a general lesson for all people. As soon as you find yourself restraining and constricting yourself merely to keep the company of some restrictive other, spring the trap. Express your true self, express your views truthfully. Those who respect, value, and even love you will take you as you are; those who do not are not worth your time – you will waste your time curtailing yourself to conform to their demands, only to find in time how quickly they would dispense with you when you are deemed of speaking out of turn. I can't help but laugh contemptuously at the extent to which such people style themselves as 'different' and ill-fitting, when they become so aggressive and hostile towards those who fail to conform to their narrow tastes.
Again, it is a general lesson: as soon as people start to control, censor, or compel speech, words, and deeds, call them out for the bullies they are. Never ever give them an inch of power over your life.
Focus on the very nice people you may know, people who are more than happy to know you. If you are not blessed with such people in your life, go and find some. There are plenty out there. Volunteer, do something, get active, join groups. Find the enthusiasts and keep them with you. The rest can go. It's horses for courses. I hate to write negatively. It is unfair to expect people to be what they are not; if you approach yak-yaks with a view to deep and meaningful conversation know that you will be disappointed and, if you persist, abused.
Keep it close and tight, read contexts, and save your best for the people who appreciate it. Most of all, be your authentic self; do that, and you will attract the people you need to attract. Curtail yourself and you will find that you are having to waste your energies trying to appease people who are not on your wavelength. It won't end well.
