What Not to Say to an Autistic Person
What not to say to an autistic person tends to be what many people say upon learning someone is autistic. I've had most of these, in a variety of forms. I tend to be lenient, especially with people who are new to the condition. I knew nothing of autism myself prior to referral, other than the negative connotations.
Autistic people come in many shapes and sizes. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to look like. The oddest thing is that the people who have told me this are also those who have frequently commented on my 'eccentric' ways.
'We are all on the spectrum' and 'everyone is a bit autistic' are the classic tropes. 'We are all in it together.' People mean well, and mean to reassure autistic people that they are not alone, but these statements are not only false and dilute autism as a condition until it becomes normalised, they deprive autistic people of their own unique voice. 'I'm "a little bit" autistic too' means you are not so special at all; 'we are all on the spectrum' means that your autism is part of some bland, general condition that applies to most people. Again, the autistic person is not so special, and hence cannot expect anything by way of special treatment. The accommodation that autistic people require to be fully functioning members of society will not be forthcoming. The other aspect of these tropes that is debilitating is the assumption that autism is defined by negative character traits. I've had people identify themselves as a 'little bit' autistic in order to make me feel better about myself. Actually, I feel very fine in myself, thank you very much, and need accommodation rather than a patronising sympathy. If I may be allowed to speak bluntly. Not wishing to upset people, you understand. If that sounds a little tetchy, then I am entitled. Autistic people finally, at last, after inordinate struggle, have their autism recognised, only for non-autistic others to claim that they, too, are a 'little bit' autistic. There is no 'little bit autistic,' just as there is no 'little bit' depressed or 'little bit' pregnant. Autism is a condition reserved for those who tick most of the boxes 'over and above the norm.' It's not just the quantity that counts but the intensity.
Upon learning you are autistic, people will compare you to the TV autists they know. I mildly correct people here, seeing as many of these characters are positive, and seeing as people mean well (and can't be expected to be experts). But not all autistic people are geniuses, at maths or otherwise. Only some of us.
I was told upon receiving diagnosis that I would in the past have been classed as 'high functioning.' The diagnostician immediately qualified this by saying the terms 'high' and 'low' are no longer used - if 'high' overlooks the struggles and needs of autistic people, 'low' ignores their abilities. There is a tendency to think that 'high functioning' autists don't need help - which is handy for authorities that offer precious little; there is a tendency to think 'low functioning' autists are basket cases. The truth is rich and varied, like a tapestry.
'Everyone struggles with stuff like that' is a claim I've heard too often now for me to retain my normal good manners. This claim is not merely an example of plain ignorance, but of callous disregard of the struggles autistic people face. The struggles autistic people face are on a different level of intensity, well beyond what the 'everyone' of this trope can even imagine. A variant of this was given to me when I presented an employment advisor with the recommendations and 'reasonable adjustments' contained at the back of my AS Report. She had pointedly refused to look as I dropped hints all through the interview, but seeing as I was by now pretty much insisting she briefly looked down the page, and simply commented 'we could all do with some of that.' I got the message: everyone struggles and no-one gets special help and support. Two years of hard experience since has proven the truth of that bleak conclusion - you are on your own. I can just about cope with that harsh message; what I can well do without is non-autistic people who are functioning members of society, with jobs and families and foreign holidays etc telling me that 'we are all on the spectrum' and we are all 'a little bit' autistic. A) no you are not; B) there is no 'little bit' of autism, autism is the whole package at high intensity, volume switched to 11.
'Don't let your autism define you.'
This one takes the biscuit. It is one of those positive, self-help, can-do mantras that comes from cod philosophy. At the heart of this assumption is the implict understanding that autism is a negative condition to overcome. It's the same with people who say 'see the person, not the label,' as if the label, the autism, is something to be ashamed of, disposed of, an obstacle to overcome.
This is wrong and insulting. Autism comes with gifts and abilities. Imagine how galling it is to be on the receiving end of this advice from people who, not wishing to sound rude, are often perfectly mediocre, of little insight, intelligence, and creativity. I'll happily take my autism, with all its social struggles, over whatever it is such people have. The worst part of autism, indeed, is dealing with people who are not on the same wavelength. Autism is not a label or a condition to be detached from the person, an obstacle to overcome, a regrettable affliction to be ashamed of, an extraneous quality to be discarded. Of course autism defines me, I am autistic, the autism is integral to my being. People who make statements such as this are oblivious to the damage they inflict, causing autistic people to hate themselves and apologise for and conceal their being. Not only am I unapologetic, I am loud and proud.
As for a cure for autism ... autism is a condition, not a disease - there is no cure and no need for a cure. What there is is a need on the part of 'society' to understand autism and make the necessary accomodations so that autistic people can grow into becoming what they authentically are - and not have them attempting to be something they are not.
'You are nothing like' other autistic people someone may know.
If you have met one autistic person then you have met one autistic person. It is always wise to read a variety of autistic accounts. I offer my view, being an expert on myself.
'Autism is so over diagnosed ..'
The real mystery - and tragedy - is that I wasn't picked up earlier. I became expert at masking and mirroring, learning the social rules and playing by them in my own imitable way. But survival in those terms comes at a terrible price, not least the loss of authenticity and the chances to flourish well.
