Unapologetically Autistic
Autistic people can end up leading buried lives, abandoning all hope with respect to social acceptance and preferring to hide their qualities away in the attempt to avoid the ignorant judgement of others. Seemingly alone against the world, it seems easier to just give in and make frequent apologies for your existence.
These points say otherwise – autistic people need to be more assertive and much less apologetic. The mistakes that autistic people are inclined to apologize for are often the result of the ignorant and inconsiderate actions of others. Let them know! Rather than apologize before retreating back into your shell, explain clearly and politely. These nine points indicate why and how.
These are things that autistic people do not need to apologise for:
- Needing to know details in advance.
I like to prepare and I need time to prepare. I don’t like to be presented with demands for immediate action. To be hurried and pressured and made to act in accordance with a tight timetable will induce anxiety in an autistic person and cause withdrawal, denial, retreat, and shutdown. I need to plan in advance and refuse to be pushed and pressurized by others.
2. Being upset if something changes unexpectedly.
Autistic people like routine. The world is experienced as chaotic when you are autistic, so a familiar system and order is imperative. Any changes to be undertaken need to be announced in advance. Even the slightest changes without warning can cause distress, plunging autistic people into the unfamiliar outside of their control, giving the impression that more destabilizing changes are about to come. Neurotypical people do not experience the pain of change to anything like the same degree and may therefore be inclined to judge the autistic reaction to be irrational. It is perfectly rational. Autistic people subject to overwhelming sensory pain need a sense of the familiar and the orderly. Change has to be managed in a comprehensible way.
3. Moving our body or making noise to self regulate in public space.
Autistic people engage in calming and repetitive behaviours to create a sense of order in what is experienced as a disorderly world. I can rock, spin, sway and hum in public to maintain an inner equipoise. People may find this disconcerting, just as teachers always scolded me for rocking in class. They wanted everyone to sit still and be quiet. That exposes autistic people to a full-frontal sensual onslought.
4. Asking for accommodations and being angry if these aren’t respected.
Absolutely! Insist on this! Be vocal! Learn the art of self-advocacy. This is a key point concerning the participation of autistic people in society as active members. I have approached employers and various employment agencies this past year asking for ‘reasonable adjustments’ as per my AS Report. The response has been uniformly negative, to the effect that employers are obliged to do no more than the bare minimum, with autistic people basically having to compete on their own merits against others to do the job. There is no special treatment in other words. I was told bluntly that if an employer is presented with two CVs, one by an autistic person who claims to be able to do the job if
certain adjustments are made, the other by a person who can do the job without the need for employers to make accommodations, the employer will choose the one that requires the least effort on their part. That makes me angry. It is better to be angry in protesting injustice and demanding change than to internalize the world’s unfairness and reconcile yourself to a hard, unchanging reality.
5. Putting yourself first and spending time alone to recover.
This is crucial. You need to take care of your mental and physical health. This applies especially in relation to helpful others who are often full of good plans for your future. The external demands of the world can drain energy and damage health. You can feel obliged to fit the plans of helpful others but this is a mistake: always give yourself the reminder that you know your needs and interests better than others, even and especially those who mean well – those people are not you. Take as much time out as you need to recover your energy and strength.
6. Taking the literal meaning and misinterpreting information and instructions.
This is another important one. I am proud to say that, after a lifetime worrying over my many misunderstandings, I am now bold-faced, blunt, and unapologetic for taking things literally. A recent example of this came when I was doing my last job, working as a PA and cleaner in a hotel. It was made clear in the interview that I was autistic and that this came with certain ‘reasonable’ requests with regard to the working environment. It is appalling to record that my disclosure of autism made not the slightest difference. I received no training, I was confronted with new tasks daily, and had my instructions changed, with orders to switch tasks immediately. This was an autists’ nightmare. Absolutely no consideration was given to my disclosure of autism. The ‘reasonable adjustments’ section of my AS Report distinctly states that changes in instructions need to be properly managed, with checks made to ensure that I have understood the new orders. I was simply given verbal instructions and sent on my way. A coach party was coming and the beds in the rooms had to be changed. I was told to “strip the beds.” To me, that meant “strip the beds.” That seemed easy enough to understand. It was only when I got to the rooms that it struck me that the bags I had been issued with were insufficient for all I intended to remove from the bed. I went and found more bags and stripped the beds of everything. Job done, I was informed that I was only supposed to have stripped the beds of their linen. Much that I had removed had to be retrieved from the laundry and put back on. There was a rush to finish the job in time for the coach party, and I had created extra work with my mistake. I told the manageress who issued the instructions that I am literal minded and need clear instruction, reminding her that I had told her this at the interview. She accepted this. Outside, retrieving bedding from the laundry, a fellow worker told me “not to worry.” I stated bluntly that I’m not worried, since this was a mistake on the part of the person issuing instructions, not me. In the past, I would have beaten myself up over such an error. I now see it as the responsibility of others to ensure that their meanings have been understood.
7. Taking a long time to process information and make decisions.
This is another important point. Again, the lesson is to take your time and not let others rush you into taking action and making decisions. The sense of urgency that accompanies a hectic social life can be very intimidating and overwhelming for autistic people. I don’t allow myself to be pushed and pressurized and am entirely unapologetic in taking all the time I need. I go at my own pace. To go any faster risks short-circuiting the process of living. I go by a rule of thumb on this now – if people insist on forcing a decision, I opt for no change. Act in haste, repent at leisure.
8. Talking about interests passionately and always bringing them up.
Persons on the receiving end may express boredom, frustration, and disinterest at your passionate reprise of favourite subjects and stories. That’s fine. They are not obliged to listen. Just as you are not obliged to talk to them on things that hold no interest for you whatsoever. Rather than change your interests and lose your passion, change your company or opt for having none at all. Spending time in the company of boring people who have no interest in your special interests drains the energy. I will continue to talk about Elvis, Françoise Hardy, Llandudno Ladies FC, Kashmiri goats and various political issues in my usual uninhibited manner. You don’t have to listen.
9. Being our authentic self and unmasking.
I spent a lifetime masking and mirroring, burying my real self away in an attempt to fit in and succeed. It didn’t work and it could never have worked. Success at fitting the requirements of the social order would have been obtained at the cost of my authentic self. Autistic people often 'mask' their authentic selves in an attempt to fit in with neurotypical society. This can be exhausting and cause burnout, with autistic people constantly attempting to suppress their natural ways of being. There is a need to accept and support neurodiversity in all its forms William Blake was described as a man without a mask. Be yourself. It doesn’t matter what other people say. What do they know?
Being authentic means being autistic without apology.
