Direct, honest, blunt, but not necessarily rude
Direct, honest, blunt, but not necessarily rude
It ain’t necessarily so. But it can be. I have been considered to be rude in my relations to others. The fact is that I live in a state of immediacy and possess a tolerance threshold so low as not to exist and have a very short fuse. I am quickly bored and hence hugely irritated by sustained contact with people and things. Not all people and things. With people and things of interest I can immerse myself endlessly at the deep-end. In general, I weigh the events and activities of life up instantly, differentiating between the predictable and the boring on the one hand and the interesting on the other. Left to my own devices, I will discard the former in an instant. I have learned by experience that people can find this upsetting, so I put my diplomatic head on and show what to me feels like infinite patience, tolerance, and respect. I have the executive ability to cut straight to the core of an issue, seeing if it offers me something or merely wastes my time and energy. It doesn’t stop me wasting time and energy, though. The nature of social life lived in interrelation with others is such that you often have little option but to engage, all the time maintaining respect and using a civil tongue, restraining the urge to dismiss it all as ‘rubbish’ and move on. I can be cutting. I also struggle to conceal my contempt and scorn for others and their views. Even without saying a word, I convey my views in my body language and facial expression – frozen stiff in utter disdain.Others see it. I have seen the fear in their eyes. They keep their distance.
In a social setting, executive ability executed with ruthless efficiency can be felt by others as extremely rude. If you know that a behaviour is upsetting and if you know that people consider it to be rude, then you are honour bound as a social being and as a human being to temper and modify your genius. Autism is not a licence for a free ride. I say this as someone who has brutally cut down others, not least family and friends, with statements so truthful as to be callous and contemptuous. Whenever I see pompous people insist that ‘truth trumps feelings’ I remind myself of the times when I, too, thought that the possession of truth allowed me to override others’ feelings. I also recall that more often than not that my truths could tend to be partial, one-sided, or just plain errors.
I’ll take these points in turn, commenting briefly on my own experience (whilst, as ever, issuing a caution with respect to the perils of universalising from particulars - everyone is different, or the same in different ways).
- Trouble differentiating or controlling tone.
I could drone on and on monotone on a favourite topic or hobby horse. For variety, I could speak loudly or shout for emphasis, or whisper so as to be unheard. I could exaggerate wildly, go to extremes, veer wildly from the information being conveyed, either offering far too little or far too much. My speech can strike people as odd. Much less so now that I have learned from the puzzled or horrified reactions of others.
2. Tendency to be direct.
I prefer to cut to the chase. I listen with an awfully pained expression on my face as others take what seems like an eternity to say what I know they are going to say. I like to get to the point. In my head, the point at issue in any discussion has already been established. Of course, stating the point directly effectively short-circuits any conversation. People don’t like it, for the reason that you have cut past them and cut them out.
All you can do is have some awareness of your tendencies to go direct, do your level best to exercise some restraint, and explain to others that that’s just the way you are made. You should know of the tendencies of directness to upset and restrain yourself as best you can. But maybe not too much. I waste an awful lot of creative energy struggling to tell people exactly what I think of their views.
3. Showing empathy by talking about oneself.
You talk a lot about yourself when you are the only person in your own world, distanced from the society of others. You have to talk about yourself precisely because that’s the only human connection you have with others. Others may see you as narcissistic; the truth is that you are trying to make yourself relatable as a person despite a paucity of experiences.
4. A preference for deep conversations over small talk
My conversations can be as deep as my speech lengthy. Which is to say that with me, conversations can quickly take the form of monologues on my part. Aware that I do this, I prefer to avoid conversations with groups of three or more. I’m good with just one or two people, where it is easier to take turns, and where I know I will have the attention of others. The larger the group, the smaller the talk, the more silent I become. I don’t hear what larger groups are saying and don’t add to the noise.
5. Questioning character
‘Why do you ask so many questions?’ my uncle once asked me. ‘Do I?’ I replied.
In school, I asked too few questions, in the hope that teachers would presume I was learning in step with the class and leave me alone in my struggles. I never courted publicity. But I never shied away from questioning things and people. When you live in a world in which little makes sense, you are inclined to keep yourself to yourself, or question everything, even and especially the things that seem to be beyond question. It was inevitable that I would gravitate towards the study of philosophy. I question everything from the base upwards. I seek first principles and foundations, yet destabilize the often unwarranted assumptions of others. The important thing is that we keep questioning.
I have frequently been described as argumentative, contrarian, a non-conformist. That may be true. But it’s all based on the need to ask the ‘why’ of things.
Why are we here?
6. Valuing honesty and facts
I was distinctly average at school apart from in history, where I was exceedingly good, scoring the highest grade of the final year. I studied history at degree level. Always, whatever the issue, I sought to ascertain the facts and form a judgement from there. I’m rather contemptuous of an age in which inveterate liars and fantasists think themselves entitled to their own truths. Truth is truth, and it often hurts … he says reverting to his customary ... bluntness ...
