Beyond Exhaustion
I was frequently accused of being slow or lazy, at school and elsewhere. People would tell me to shape yourself!” Always there was the implication that I wasn’t trying or making the effort. Actually, I was always doing my damnedest to do what came easily to others. Having autism is like living life always on hard mode, when others have the option of cruising in easy, conserving their energy. You are always thinking, always strategizing, always puzzling a different way of doing things. The brain is high-maintenance. The effort tires you out. It’s not a case of striving in survival mode for years before exhaustion hits. An event, an episode, an exchange with others at any point in time can drain you of energy. “Exhaustion” does not begin to sum up a life spent struggling and striving to achieve even the most mundane of everyday goals, let alone the more difficult tasks that life throws in our way. After years of living your life in survival mode, you are beyond “exhausted.” We need another word. And it’s neither “lazy” nor “unmotivated.”
